swinging single

ichiro went 5-5 last nite and is now back on pace to break the single season hits record. i have never been a big fan of ichiro, mostly because he undeservedly won the MVP back in 2001 (he wasn't even the best hitter on the m's that year). i realize he is very good, blah blah blah, and that this is a ridiculously hard record to break. but i pretty much think he is overrated/overhyped. he isn't even among the top 10-15 hitters in the AL alone. he's hitting over .370 and his OBP is barely over .410. ichiro (.872 OPS) is on par offensively with johnny damon (.858) and carlos lee (.881), not the likes of manny, sheff, or vlad. he's arguably not even the best japanese outfielder (matsui's OPS is .886).

the guy has 33 extra base hits. how can he be so friggin fast that he beats out groundballs to first, but he can't leg out some doubles? i get sick and tired of guys on the mariners saying shit about how he could hit more homeruns if he wanted, that he spends all of batting practice hitting bombs. well let's fucking see it in games! yes he has unreal bat control. yes he has deion-like speed. is he extremely unique? absolutely. a draw for fans? sure. but im gonna go out on a limb here and say ichiro is as one-dimensional a hitter as, say, pete incaviglia. and he has worse facial hair than a 13 year old going thru puberty (or me at age 26, same shit).

earlier in the week he took the single season singles record from wee willie keeler. now this just sucks. i'd much rather have a guy in the record books whose name makes him sound like (1) a midget wrestler, or (2) what some 5'2" guy calls his penis. i don't think there can be much debate on this.

im sure espn will start cutting in to show his ab's live in the next few days. i have no problem with this - a record is a record. but i really hope that when he hits #258, it's not some squibber to third that he beats by half a step. even though this would be representative of a large percentage of his hits, it would be totally anti-climactic. and no one likes a bad climax.

so lets wrap this up.
ichiro: very good, but overrated.
pete incaviglia: at this very moment, probably drinking at a trucker bar with darren daulton. undoubtedly sporting a mullet.
my facial hair: on par with all non-mel gibson characters in mad max, beyond thunderdome.
johnny damon: throws and has hair like a really unattractive girl. but hits well.
wee willie keeler: fucking awesome.

-ETG

a walk down yawkey way

Here’s some words of wisdom from the booming T-shirt industry that has sprung up outside Fenway after games. There were half a dozen vendors each with their own set of shirts including:
• Posada is a little bitch
• Gay Rod
• Jeter sucks Arod
• commemorative 22-0 shirts
• Any team can have a bad century
• WWJDD (What would Johnny Damon Do?)
• Johnny Damon is my homeboy

-CAR

grammercy riffs: huh!

it has come to my attention (courtesy of CAR) that there is a remake of the warriors on the way. as most of you know, i have very strong feelings towards the 70's cult classic and am thus absolutely horrified of it being tainted with some MTV garbage-y update.

if a remake were even contemplated, these are the things that absolutely cannot be omitted:

-any of the gangs. i don't want any new "cool" gangs. changing or eliminating any of the original gangs is simply not permitted. touch the baseball furies or roller-skaters-with-overalls and you shall be condemned. they could probably make the lezzies more attractive though.
-the scene where the bad guy steals a pack of gum.
-the use of the phrase "i hope we can at least get some wolf out of this."
-the "can you dig it" scene. clearly, samuel jackson must play cyrus. this is non-negotiable.
-how the members of the warriors were, except for ajax, not cool, not tough, and extremely funny looking.
-the random scene where one of the warriors is arrested by the undercover cop sitting alone in a park in the middle of the night.
-the deejay. and i don't mean the concept of the dj, i mean the dj herself. the lady hasn't done anything since being the host of "where in the world is carmen san diego?" throw her a friggin bone.
-the three bottles clinking together. don't mess with "warriors, come out and plaayyy!"

and things that cannot be added:
-any of the proposed "matrix-like" fighting scenes. no, no, and no. the only enhancements to fighting scenes that are acceptable are slo-mo's (of guys getting thrown in front of trains, of guys getting smashed into bathroom stalls/bathroom mirrors, etc)
-any songs to the soundtrack that are played on MTV. classic wu-tang is the only acceptable hip-hop.
-any updated technology. no cell phones, computers, pagers, etc. remember, the warriors can't have any contact with the rest of the gang or the plot is ruined.
-any famous actors, with the exception of the aforementioned jackson and david schimmer, who has to play the leader of the orphans.
-any attractive people. the whore in the pink dress needs to be as sleazy as possible, and the guy who sets up the warriors must be the ugliest human we've seen since the original.
-any new/modern weapons. there's only two guns permitted (one for the lezzies, one for the repulsively hideous bad guy), and they have to be crappy and rusted. everyone else fights with shivs, broken bottles, 2x4's, pipes broken off bathroom ceilings, etc.

there's probably more to add to these lists, but im just getting furious thinking about it. this and my re-addiction to coffee have given me a mean case of the shakes.

-ETG

monty burns, he ain't

i just finished watching the 7th dvd in ken burns' "jazz" documentary series. for anyone who's seen any of burns' other work, like "baseball" or "the civil war," i can assure you that this work holds up to (and in my opinion, surpasses) those efforts.

it seems to me that burns has a unique talent for tracing individual biographies through large, chaotic systems, without removing the individual from the system. this allows him to illuminate the seminal characters inside of a gigantic story while cohesively emphasizing overriding societal patterns and how they both affect and are affected by these characters. for instance, the way in which he demonstrates louis armstrong's origins' effects on the development of his genius is astounding in both its clarity and depth. simultaneously, he paints an excellent panorama of the ripples of louis' innovations throughout music and society.

i think that burns' mastery of this technique places him in a perfect position to chronicle those things which are uniquely american... like jazz... or baseball... or the civil war. taken individually, each of these documentarieses do an excellent job of chronicling the development and maturation of a particular set of events through the changing social climate of the country. taken together, these works encapsulate the innovative and resilient power of american ideology, and further demonstrate how this ideology often appears chaotic, random, and even terrible when viewed in small windows, but ultimately leads to constant improvement and discovery in the long-run. it's a beautiful phenomenon, and one so large that is difficult to comprehend all at once... thanks ken burns, for your peculiar genius.

-ALW

tv review: rescue me

there's pretty much no good television on during the summer. and the o.c. doesn't start again til november 4th (mark your calendars). so if you're looking for something to watch on wednesdays at 10pm instead of crank yankers or the 1,392nd airing of this year's world series of poker, check out "rescue me" on fx. it stars dennis leary, who rules, as a member of the FDNY. the show is totally cliche, but somehow still appealing (as is the theme song called cmon, cmon by the von blondies). and it's always funny when leary tries to be a bad ass cuz he's pushing 130 lbs soaking wet (and coming from me that is no good). also, i like how fx is free hbo. they say "shit" and "pussy" all the time on the show (don't ask me how this is legal). the characters get in over-the-top sex situations. and how can you not find it hilarious when the crotchety, fat, old fire chief is setting up the rules for a penis-length contest? now, don't expect any actual firefighting (there's been just 1 fire in the 5 episodes i've seen, and that one existed only so some unknown fireman could die and leary & co. could go kick the guy who started the fire's ass. and so someone could start screwing the hot widow.), but expect lots of booze, sex, cussing, and leary's on-screen uncle to never wear anything but boxers and a wife beater. maybe that last one isn't so appealing, but cmon! you still got the booze, sex, cussing, and dennis fucking leary!

-ETG

book review: the end of oil

Nothing Crude About It
everyone. gather 'round. please, read this The End of Oil by Paul Roberts On Personally Expedited Cognition. (OPEC, for short). enough with the $50/barrel laughs: seriously, read this book. now.

here're a couple of reviews/articles to tap your inner geyser of interest:

Interview with the author, Paul Roberts

a review by bookslut

NPR interview (audio file)

ps. for the Six Feet Under watchers, yeah yeah, i know Geology George is annoying and is constantly talking about the end of oil and water blah blah blah and he's crazy AND boring (a hard combo), but this book is nothing like this fictional character. so, screw james cromwell and his gigantic grasshopper body, and leave your Six Feet Under biases behind.

-LG

movie preview

attention marky mark fans. here's the preview to i heart huckabees.

top website

randy macho man savage, reinventing himself again. first a minor leaguer, then a wrestler, next a slim jim spokesman, now a rapper. awesome: machoman.com